I think one of the most important thing to instill in our boys is the importance of respecting others and expecting others to return this same respect.

So naturally, I like to encourage my boys' input in our daily lives and for them to make their own decisions.  While I would like all the homework and chores to be done at the snap of my finger, I'd hate for the boys to think of me as some tyrannical overlord.  I let the boys know that if they disagree with something I have decided, to speak their thoughts and we can work out a way to make everyone happy.  Sounds like a good system, right?  Before I know it, I am arguing with the boys until I am blue in the face about every little request - as small as "can you pick up that wrapper and throw it in the trash?"

I wanted a healthy way for the boys to express their thought and disagree with me on things...but now it has turned into this whining nightmare!

I started to emphasize to the boys the difference between "whining" and "talking", as well as "arguing" and "discussing" - noting attitude, body language, tone of voice, etc.  The boys caught on quite fast and when they do go down the slippery slope and start to whine - I'll remind them.  If whine-fest breaks out or tantrums start to fly, then I would remind them that I refuse to deal with whining and arguing, and they can come back when they are ready to act better.

The best part of all of this, is that I became more self-conscious about my own body language, tone, and attitude, and I am a better person for that.  Even when I am stressed out with other things, I catch myself and "ask" instead of "command" the boys - I mean, who likes having orders barked at them?  Sometimes I remember times where I'm just a straight-up cranky bum and I would have rolled MY eyes at me.

This actually works pretty well!  I'm not saying my boys are now little perfect, soft-spoken gentlemen and we live happily forever, but it is a great guideline.  When I ask them to do something un-fun (e.g. clean their rooms), instead of sprawling about whining, they might say "OK, but can I do it later?" and I might respond with "Sure! As long as it's done before 4pm!"  And because the boys feel in control, it becomes a responsibility instead of a boring chore, and it will actually get done.

I'm glad that the boys eventually learned that, while I am flexible, I am definitely not a pushover, and hopefully they will also be able to apply those principles to other situations in their lives.  Do you have any tips of your own on how to be flexible with your boys, yet avoid the whining and wiggle-out-attempts?

Related Article: Boys and the Whining Game by Renee Martinez

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