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Bullying and Teasing – Victims and Victimizers |
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Written by Robert Rose
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Monday, 22 February 2010 22:14 |
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Every class has victims and victimizers. The teasers and physical bullies have as serious problems as do the scapegoats. What I suggest
deals simultaneously with all their problems.
First step is changing the mindset of “boys will be boys” that excuses destructive behavior. The same with “girls love to tease” as
if both are natural and can’t be changed. It’s true that humans of any age will take out their frustrations on one another, if allowed. War
has been a sad reality and commentary on what has been accepted throughout history.
Second, is to admit that there IS a strong human propensity for physical and emotional abuse. This leads to explaining to the class that it is “normal” to have aggressive thoughts and feelings. This is to ease any guilt that they have while experiencing them.
However, four is when I say that “acting” on these thoughts and feelings by physically or verbally hurting anyone will not be tolerated! My goal is to make the classroom safe for everyone. We will be discussing appropriate consequences when someone violates a classmate.
Before we do, I ask each child to tell (or write about it) to one person s/he trusts about at least one incident where a parent, family member, teacher, or peer has hurt her/his feelings. When they share this aloud with the class, they begin to see that this is all too common. When they know about each other’s pain, they learn to be and show more empathy. Instead of attacking, they seek out and offer support to the one who is hurting.
I have each student each morning write on a card (or some way to show the feeling) how s/he is feeling when s/he comes in. Anyone can see if a student is happy, sad, frustrated, or angry. For most when they know the other is vulnerable and open as are they, they respect their mood. Since this doesn’t occur immediately (and never does with a few) there needs to be an agreed upon set of choices, of consequences for any violation. The choices are discussed with the class. Nothing becomes law unless everyone agrees with each consequence. By empowering them they become more responsible and more willing to accept the consequence that they choose.
For those few who continue to violate others the consequences become more severe and with proper documentation they can eventually be referred to a person or agency that can better deal with the severity, the antisocial nature of her/his behavior. This works at any age, but it takes time, thought, and sometimes courage to follow through to do the right thing. It’s worth the effort.
This approach also can be done in the home.
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Last Updated on Wednesday, 19 May 2010 00:19 |
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What's with Boys and Violent Fantasies? |
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Written by Ko Chun Yang
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Monday, 14 December 2009 15:11 |
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Ever wonder why your little boy would pick up anything - a hockey stick, a remote control, a spoon, and pretend to shoot it as if it were a gun? Why is he constantly acting out fantasies of beating and killing someone? These are common themes in boy play, and it makes parents sometimes wonder whether this kind of behavior is cause for concern. Compared to girls, boys tend to act out more violent fantasies and be more physical during play, which sometimes leads to them being tagged as "aggressive" and "trouble-makers". As disturbing as some of these violent fantasies and behaviors may be, parents and teachers should know that aggressive play does not necessarily mean an violent child.
Young boys see things in competitive terms and often play games that revolve around power and dominance - which often gets misinterpreted as aggressive play. There is no need to jump in and try to work things out for them and "make it fair" - unless, of course, if someone is being harmed. Keep in mind that a behavior that might feel threatening and aggressive to one child, might actually be intended as playful by another. When this happens, Jane Katch, a teacher and author of Under Deadman's Skin, Discovering the Meaning of Children's Violent Play, suggests talking about it with the boys. She uses this as an opportunity to teach empathy, by showing boys how another person's experience may be different than his own.
Other than being comptetitive, every boy fantasizes about being the hero or savior when they are shooting, axing, punching out (this list can go on much longer) their imaginary foes. Some parents find this behavior disturbing and want to teach their boys to refrain from these violent fantasies. To put a spin on it, just as some children sing lullabyes and tuck their stuffed toys into bed to express their nurturing side, boys engage in these fantasies to express their protective side. "If a boy is playing a game about super heroes, you might see it as violent. But the way he sees it, he's making the world safe from the bad guys." says Jane Katch. In Raising Cain, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson points out that if you ask a young boy to list 5 things they would want to be when they grow up, most boys would name at least one protective role, something along the lines of superhero, soldier, or policeman/fireman. If the sight of your son running around the house pretend-shooting at people still troubles you, you can talk to him about it and set your own household rules. Tell him that you think it's great he is having so much fun with his imagination but, since shooting at real people (i.e. yourself, siblings, guests...etc.) may hurt their feelings, you would like for him to keep his targets imaginary or their playmates, as long as they are also enjoying the game.
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Last Updated on Tuesday, 15 June 2010 01:42 |
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Bad Behavior Justified By Gender? |
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Written by Renee Martinez
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Monday, 24 August 2009 03:25 |
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I have a bone to pick with parents of boys who make poor excuses for their son’s bad behavior. I think it’s a cop-out and that’s pathetic. I can’t tell you how often I encounter parents who seem to justify their child’s poor behavior merely due to the fact that their child is a boy. What kind of lame excuse is that?
Here’s an example: You’re at a park with a friend and her little boy throws a rock at your child, or pushes or takes away a toy. Rather than discipline her son, the parent of the child says, “Now Joey, don’t do that. Mommy doesn’t want you to hurt that little boy. Be nice” Then she turns to you and says, “Boys are so wild. My son has a lot of energy. I guess there’s not much you can do about that.” Huh? Are you kidding me? So you mean to tell me that it’s ok that boys are disrespectful, irresponsible and rude? And if you had a daughter, would that those be the adjectives you would want to describe your future son-in-law?
Why prêt ell, are you raising your child void of instilling valuable lessons in personal responsibility? Do you think he will suddenly grow up and learn acceptable behavior? How if you’re making excuses that his gender is the reason for his impulses.
Want to know what I think? I think you’re lazy.
It’s much more difficult to parent your child than it is to just let things go thinking that bad behaviors will miraculously fade into never, never land. Yes, some behaviors are phases. However, if actions are not taken by the parent to use even bad situations as teaching opportunities, NEWS ALERT: the problems will continue and possibly worsen.
Taking a rather annoying, yet reasonably benign behavior such as whining. A kid whines, gets your attention, and the continued whining causes a parent to give in to whatever the child was screaming about. What did the child learn? He learned that next time the way to get what he wants, he can whine enough so you’ll give in.
Going back to the park scenario, would it be better to pull the child aside, perhaps put him in time out or remove a toy or even leave the park so that he can learn that bad behaviors have consequences? Sure, it may not be the easiest option. The kid might scream or you might not want to leave the conversation with a friend, but what’s best for the child may not always be best for the parent.
Parenting is serious business and it’s hard! Bad behavior has nothing to do with gender. Boys are not innately obnoxious hitting and kicking machines. They certainly have more energy, but I’ve observed plenty of the same behaviors demonstrated by girls. Stop blaming the real cause. Yourself. Take the time to parent your child now or you’ll be sorry when the behaviors you ignored rear their ugly head in as your child gets older…when it’ll be harder to change – and eventually too late. Your child is not the boss, you are.
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Last Updated on Wednesday, 19 May 2010 00:18 |
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Boys and the Whining Game |
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Written by Renee Martinez
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Monday, 20 July 2009 12:42 |
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I have 2 friend's who have 6 year-old sons going through a whining phase. This morning on a run with one of them, we discussed her son's antics, possible causes and solutions.
Nothing worse than the whining phase. Just reading the word whining, makes me cringe. I mean honestly, I'm a pretty laid back person, but the sound of a child communicating in a high-pitched screechy voice makes me lose my patience.
What's with 6 year-old boys these days? My 6 year-old appears to have escaped this phase but maybe it's because he whined from 3-5. I don't think a child intentionally whines at first. The whininess voice comes in to convey the child's desire for something, who knows what. Their begging and pleading gives them this special voice, which they soon learn has powerful effects if they know how to use it. What parent can stand for the whining (unless you're a sargent like me) and so they give in and before you know it, a habit is developed that can be difficult to fix.
I found this question on the Parents Connect website: My three boys are constantly whining, even when I give them what they want. What should I do? You have constantly bought into the whining so they constantly do it as they know it gets to you. You have to explain to your boys that your ears hurt when they constantly whine and that the only way you are able to understand them and help them is if they use their big-boy voices. Then you can try to help them with whatever it is that is causing them so much duress. You have to be tough here and not give in to the whining. As you said, even when you give them what they "want," they still whine. It is also about changing the wants to needs. "I want doesn't get" as you have probably heard us say before.
So you want to know what I do? I nicely remind my sons that whining is not tolerated in my house. Should they wish to continue to whine, they can either go in their room or in the basement and whine until their heart's content...as long as I cannot hear them. When they are whine free and somewhat composed, I will be happy to discuss matters with them. I may even give in if they speak like a human and not at the high pitch of an insect or an animal. I speak very matter-of-factly and you know what, it seems to work.
My attitude is that this is my life too and I cannot be surrounded with behaviors, attitudes or things that are disrespectful, annoying or rude. Escape is impossible from whining, so lay down some rules to make your life easier. In the article The Myth About Boys by David Von Drehle, sums up what I expected might be true: "When no one's looming over them, they begin making choices of their own," she says. "They discover consequences and learn to take responsibility for themselves and their emotions. They start learning self-discipline, self-confidence, team building. If we don't let kids work through their own problems, we get a generation of whiners."
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Last Updated on Monday, 04 January 2010 23:49 |
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Re:Boys and the Whining Game
Jun 23 2010 03:30:20
My son is 13 and still whines.
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#50 |
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in Article Discussion by missvictoriawebb, 07-07-10 20:56