Behavior
There's Nothing To Do!
“There is nothing to do!” I think I have heard that phrase from my two boys almost every day this summer.
Being a single dad and recently divorced, I am nearing the end of my first summer without my wife coordinating the daily itinerary of “stuff to do”.
In the spring I was looking forward to spending days on the beach with my boys. In my head I was picturing these days filled with fun, laughter and many moments of genuine son/dad bonding. I imagined sitting on the beach catching up on my latest Dean Koontz novel and watching my kids play in the waves and build sand castles.
That dream was shattered 15 minutes into our first beach trip in June. I had just finished setting up our blankets, chairs, put out all sand toys when the boys came back to our spot. They announced that they were bored and there was nothing to do. I told them that when I was a boy at the same beach we made up our own fun. We had very few toys and our parents were not there to entertain us. In fact the more we interrupted them, the less fun we were going to have.
I tried to explain to them the way it was when I was their age the summers were filled with days of adventure. The main toy that we had was our imagination. The beach trips we took were to the community beach on the town lake. We didn’t have organized trips to indoor playgrounds and to places you go to paint ceramic figures for $20 per piece. We had a girl named Janet who was always waiting for us in the local park. With her guidance we would master the art of gimp, create Native American wallets and make those pot holders that would shrink up to the size of a postage stamp after being washed.
The boys were amazed when I told them that we were allowed anywhere outside as long as we stayed on our street and came home as soon as the street lights came on.
Before I knew it a few hours had gone by. We had all eaten our lunch and the boys had sunburns on their faces because I forgot to put sunscreen on. (I still have a way to go with respect to being the only parent in charge.) We left the beach and to my surprise the boys asked questions all the way home wanting more details from my childhood summers.
I don’t know when things changed but sometime while I was not paying attention our children’s lives have become ultra programmed. Parents have become the Cruise Directors of their children’s social life and the kids become like a deer in headlights when there is nothing planned for them to do.
I wish it was not that way for several reasons. Most importantly I feel that they have such a small percentage of their imaginations are engaged. The other reason is that I simply cannot afford to keep up with the Jones’s children. I don’t know exactly how I am going to do it but I do want to try to encourage less toys and activities and more self inspired fun. I would welcome any suggestions or thoughts on how I can begin to do this.
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How to “un-shy” your kids
Imagine the following situation. Your child changes classes and moves from one teacher to the next. The new class is new, the whole situation is strange to him and as you enter the new classroom with him he plays it shy. He is attached to you and does not let go of your leg. You try to have him introduce himself to the new teacher or new kids, but he is just hiding there behind your leg terrified at even making the slightest move. You throw an apologetic smile: “He is not that shy usually”, but deep down in your heart you know the truth. This is exactly the way he behaves every time he is facing a new and unfamiliar situation. He is done it with his relative, with the security guard at the store, every time a new babysitter is introduced to him and each time you ask him to say hi to a new friend. In all of these situations, he is melting away, hiding, playing it shy and does not want to cooperate. You have promised yourself time and time again that you need to “un-shy” him, but it never seemed to work. You tried your best to push him away from you, tell him there is no need to be shy and that he is a big boy, but to no avail. Your leg still functions as a refuge for him.
So how do you “un-shy” your young one?
First and foremost you need to understand that being shy is very normal. Most kids are shy and they are this way because they simply do not know what to do or how to behave in new and uncomfortable situations. They do not have the tools to compare such situations to similar past ones and make a decision on the right course of action. If you understand this simple concept, you have already made a huge progress to changing this behavior. Many experts tend to suggest that you should explain the situation to your kid, go over the details with him and try to reason with him. Unfortunately you tried to do it and it never worked. It does not work because shy kids do not understand reasoning, they are fueled by emotions and until they are able to control their emotions, they will not “un-shy”. Because these methods do not work, I have devised, implemented and successeded in “un-shying” my own son using some different methods.
Your child is afraid of new and uncomfortable situations and so the best way to get him out of this phase is to deliberately create such situations and throw him in there with your guidance. As he is getting more and more exposed to such situations, he will gain the knowledge and experience to tackle new ones with time. With this approach, time and your guidance you will be able to “un-shy” your kid.
How does it work?
Start small. Engage him in everyday tasks which will put him in challenging situations. You go out to the store? Ask him to pay the cashier. Show him how to do it, tell him what to ask her and show him how to sign the receipt. You go to a restaurant? Ask him to make the order, go with him over the menu, choose with him and ask him to give the order to the waiter. You are going to the bank? Take him with you and let him make the transactions for you, let him carry your wallet, talk to the clerk and put the money back in your purse. The more you encourage him to do things on his own, the more you root out his shy behavior. Before too long you will have a child who is self confident, self reliant and independent. After all, this is exactly what you wanted him to be in the first place.
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Bullying and Teasing – Victims and Victimizers
Every class has victims and victimizers. The teasers and physical bullies have as serious problems as do the scapegoats. What I suggest
deals simultaneously with all their problems.
First step is changing the mindset of “boys will be boys” that excuses destructive behavior. The same with “girls love to tease” as
if both are natural and can’t be changed. It’s true that humans of any age will take out their frustrations on one another, if allowed. War
has been a sad reality and commentary on what has been accepted throughout history.
Second, is to admit that there IS a strong human propensity for physical and emotional abuse. This leads to explaining to the class that it is “normal” to have aggressive thoughts and feelings. This is to ease any guilt that they have while experiencing them.
However, four is when I say that “acting” on these thoughts and feelings by physically or verbally hurting anyone will not be tolerated! My goal is to make the classroom safe for everyone. We will be discussing appropriate consequences when someone violates a classmate.
Before we do, I ask each child to tell (or write about it) to one person s/he trusts about at least one incident where a parent, family member, teacher, or peer has hurt her/his feelings. When they share this aloud with the class, they begin to see that this is all too common. When they know about each other’s pain, they learn to be and show more empathy. Instead of attacking, they seek out and offer support to the one who is hurting.
I have each student each morning write on a card (or some way to show the feeling) how s/he is feeling when s/he comes in. Anyone can see if a student is happy, sad, frustrated, or angry. For most when they know the other is vulnerable and open as are they, they respect their mood. Since this doesn’t occur immediately (and never does with a few) there needs to be an agreed upon set of choices, of consequences for any violation. The choices are discussed with the class. Nothing becomes law unless everyone agrees with each consequence. By empowering them they become more responsible and more willing to accept the consequence that they choose.
For those few who continue to violate others the consequences become more severe and with proper documentation they can eventually be referred to a person or agency that can better deal with the severity, the antisocial nature of her/his behavior. This works at any age, but it takes time, thought, and sometimes courage to follow through to do the right thing. It’s worth the effort.
This approach also can be done in the home.
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What's with Boys and Violent Fantasies?
Ever wonder why your little boy would pick up anything - a hockey stick, a remote control, a spoon, and pretend to shoot it as if it were a gun? Why is he constantly acting out fantasies of beating and killing someone? These are common themes in boy play, and it makes parents sometimes wonder whether this kind of behavior is cause for concern. Compared to girls, boys tend to act out more violent fantasies and be more physical during play, which sometimes leads to them being tagged as "aggressive" and "trouble-makers". As disturbing as some of these violent fantasies and behaviors may be, parents and teachers should know that aggressive play does not necessarily mean an violent child.
Young boys see things in competitive terms and often play games that revolve around power and dominance - which often gets misinterpreted as aggressive play. There is no need to jump in and try to work things out for them and "make it fair" - unless, of course, if someone is being harmed. Keep in mind that a behavior that might feel threatening and aggressive to one child, might actually be intended as playful by another. When this happens, Jane Katch, a teacher and author of Under Deadman's Skin, Discovering the Meaning of Children's Violent Play, suggests talking about it with the boys. She uses this as an opportunity to teach empathy, by showing boys how another person's experience may be different than his own.
Other than being comptetitive, every boy fantasizes about being the hero or savior when they are shooting, axing, punching out (this list can go on much longer) their imaginary foes. Some parents find this behavior disturbing and want to teach their boys to refrain from these violent fantasies. To put a spin on it, just as some children sing lullabyes and tuck their stuffed toys into bed to express their nurturing side, boys engage in these fantasies to express their protective side. "If a boy is playing a game about super heroes, you might see it as violent. But the way he sees it, he's making the world safe from the bad guys." says Jane Katch. In Raising Cain, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson points out that if you ask a young boy to list 5 things they would want to be when they grow up, most boys would name at least one protective role, something along the lines of superhero, soldier, or policeman/fireman. If the sight of your son running around the house pretend-shooting at people still troubles you, you can talk to him about it and set your own household rules. Tell him that you think it's great he is having so much fun with his imagination but, since shooting at real people (i.e. yourself, siblings, guests...etc.) may hurt their feelings, you would like for him to keep his targets imaginary or their playmates, as long as they are also enjoying the game.
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Bad Behavior Justified By Gender?
I have a bone to pick with parents of boys who make poor excuses for their son’s bad behavior. I think it’s a cop-out and that’s pathetic. I can’t tell you how often I encounter parents who seem to justify their child’s poor behavior merely due to the fact that their child is a boy. What kind of lame excuse is that?
Here’s an example: You’re at a park with a friend and her little boy throws a rock at your child, or pushes or takes away a toy. Rather than discipline her son, the parent of the child says, “Now Joey, don’t do that. Mommy doesn’t want you to hurt that little boy. Be nice” Then she turns to you and says, “Boys are so wild. My son has a lot of energy. I guess there’s not much you can do about that.” Huh? Are you kidding me? So you mean to tell me that it’s ok that boys are disrespectful, irresponsible and rude? And if you had a daughter, would that those be the adjectives you would want to describe your future son-in-law?
Why prêt ell, are you raising your child void of instilling valuable lessons in personal responsibility? Do you think he will suddenly grow up and learn acceptable behavior? How if you’re making excuses that his gender is the reason for his impulses.
Want to know what I think? I think you’re lazy.
It’s much more difficult to parent your child than it is to just let things go thinking that bad behaviors will miraculously fade into never, never land. Yes, some behaviors are phases. However, if actions are not taken by the parent to use even bad situations as teaching opportunities, NEWS ALERT: the problems will continue and possibly worsen.
Taking a rather annoying, yet reasonably benign behavior such as whining. A kid whines, gets your attention, and the continued whining causes a parent to give in to whatever the child was screaming about. What did the child learn? He learned that next time the way to get what he wants, he can whine enough so you’ll give in.
Going back to the park scenario, would it be better to pull the child aside, perhaps put him in time out or remove a toy or even leave the park so that he can learn that bad behaviors have consequences? Sure, it may not be the easiest option. The kid might scream or you might not want to leave the conversation with a friend, but what’s best for the child may not always be best for the parent.
Parenting is serious business and it’s hard! Bad behavior has nothing to do with gender. Boys are not innately obnoxious hitting and kicking machines. They certainly have more energy, but I’ve observed plenty of the same behaviors demonstrated by girls. Stop blaming the real cause. Yourself. Take the time to parent your child now or you’ll be sorry when the behaviors you ignored rear their ugly head in as your child gets older…when it’ll be harder to change – and eventually too late. Your child is not the boss, you are.
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Paying For Pages
By Kirsetin Morello, of Hip Moms Guide
February 6, 2012
“Studies show that if you reward people for doing an activity, they often stop doing it for fun; being paid turns it into ‘work.’” So says Gretchen Rubin in her runaway bestseller, The Happiness Project. She even mentions reading. “Parents, for example, are warned not to pay children for reading—they’re teaching kids to read for a reward,” she says, “not for pleasure.”
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