For many parents I have talked to, it is hard to pinpoint a particular stage of their child's development as their favorite.  Each stage has its own ups and downs, and parents are certainly kept on their toes as their sons are rapidly growing and changing every day.  When asked "what is it that you look forward to the most?", most parents with young children would agree it is seeing their child developing their character, ideas, and beliefs as a person.  Adolescence is such a time.  It is simultaneously exciting and terrifying.  All men remember their adolescence because it is the beginning, and probably most confusing part, of their life-long journey in finding of what kind of a man they are, and what kind of a man they want to be.  This is when he may seem to withdraw from his parents, but needs the most guidance.  Parents may also withdraw because they feel rejected or their son's struggles might challenge their own beliefs and self-identities.  Sexuality is one of the most daunting topics that arises at this time, and understanding your son's inner world may help you give him the support that he needs. 

Adolescent boys are constantly given mixed and conflicting messages about their masculinity and sexuality from peers, parents, role models, and society/media.  William Pollack writes "During adolescence they become especially susceptible to the double standard of masculinity from society..." in Real Boys. The Boy Culture tells them to be confidant and aggressive and treat girls as sexual conquests, while they are also been told to be the new "enlightened man" who is sensitive, and open with their emotions.  It takes some boys a little while to find the balance and where he is comfortable between those two extremes, and some never do.  In addition to dealing with his body becoming a man's body and his all-consuming sexual urges, he is being pressured by the Boy Culture to have sexual conquests and brag about them, while parents and teachers are telling him not to have sex, and instead, focus on forming emotional bonds.  Society is also telling them their sexual urges is powerful beyond their control and male sexuality is aggressive, dominating, and even harmful and destructive.  They are given lots of mixed messages on how they are expected to behave, and some such behaviors are not necessarily "good"...and, sadly, society is telling them: This is just how boys are and they do bad things.   

Pollack believes that the decision of whether and when to have intercourse is perhaps the most daunting one, as regards to sexuality, that a teenage boy may face.  Unlike girls, whose physical sexual maturity can be more clearly marked by menstruation, boys do not have a definitive cue to tell them their body is ready for sex, despite other subtle physical changes and reactions.  They may feel that the only way to find out is to actually have intercourse, which increases the pressure to have sex as proof of their maturity and masculinity.  Boys also have a lot of anxiety over the possibility that they fail to perform as they are expected to in a sexual situation, which would be the ultimate humiliation.  Girls are intimidating, and he has so many concerns, questions, and fears about how to behave in situations that involve girls and sexuality.  Turning to locker-room bragging and media's (e.g. pornography) depiction of sex can be even more bewildering.  Boys are also pressured to "make the first move" with a girl and it is hard to decipher signals or know how to accept rejections which brings on the topic of harassment and date rape. 

Everyone has dealt with these issues of sexuality in their adolescence.  Fathers only need to remember what it was like for them, and to think about what kind of support they may wish they had but could not find.  Mothers only need to realize that boys face just as much pressure and confusion as adolescent girls and should understand the different kinds of social expectations that come into play in their struggles.  We have to realize society more easily protect and offer advice to girls, but readily blame boys for not respecting girls.  At a time where they are teeming with testosterone, we don't give them a lot of advice on how to balance and control all these urges and they give in to the locker-room mentality, whether they are comfortable with it or not.  Don't limit your son's sexual education at home to one awkward talk at the kitchen table.  The topic should be addressed constantly because mixed messages about male sexuality is always popping up in everyday life.  Talking about it more than once will also communicate to him that the topic is not forbidden or awkward and he can turn to you for support.  Be honest, even if it is uncomfortable or difficult for you.  Once your son realize that you will only judge him or lie to him (and he will) when it comes to talking about sexuality, he will no longer trust you as a resource.  Help your son form a mature and realistic view of sexual situations.  Teach your son to respect his body, urges, and emotional needs, and he will, in turn, respect others, which is the best attitude he can have regarding sex and relationships. 

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Parents should not underestimate the importance in helping their sons understand and express their feelings, especially their negative emotions.  The Boy Code can be very debilitating for young boys trying to find a way to express their feelings of vulnerability while still conforming to the strict gender expectations.  As part of the Boys Code, the Code of Silence pressures boys to hide almost all negative emotions except for anger because other emotions (like feelings of loneliness, embarrassment, fear, sadness, powerlessness, uncertainty, grief, and need) makes them seem weak and vulnerable.  If a boy is not adjusting, his reluctance to seek outside support, combined with parents being oblivious to their distress signals, can result to issues that never become resolved.  Over time, these unresolved feelings of anxiety can develop into greater problems like violent behavior, depression, poor performance in school, poor social skills, and even drug abuse and suicides.  Learning to communicate feelings and seek outside support is an essential skill for anyone to lead happy, confidant, and healthy lives - so why not understand how our boys can best express themselves and beat the Boy Code? 

Dr. William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, points out these four steps as a guidance.

Step One:
We should learn and understand his feelings and experience, as well as help him do the same.  Learn to spot distress signals and become sensitive to early signs of 'masking behavior' - when boys disguise their true emotions with a stoic "everything is fine" or lash out with anger.  If you have a talkative boy and he suddenly becomes quiet, or if your normally easy-going son starts to become involved in fights at school, then something might be bothering him.  Other things to look out for is poor performance at school, rowdy behavior, depression, bullying, and being a victim of bullying. 
Help him know his inner self, and help him feel comfortable with his genuine self so he will be more inclined to accept his emotions, and will be less likely to mask them. 

Step Two:
Learn the right language when talking with boys so they don't feel afraid or ashamed to share their feelings.  Instead of "Oh my god, WHY did you do that?" or "I am so disappointed in you" which can be intimidating and will elicit a defensive response, use more emotional approaches like "I've noticed something difference about you lately, and it seems like something is bothering you.  Can you tell me what it might be?"

Step Three:
Learn and accept a boy's own emotional schedule.  Even after you have approached him with "Can you tell me what might be bothering you?", don't be discouraged if he rolls his eyes at you and brush you off.  Boys tend to take longer to process and share their feelings than girls, so he might be equally confused why he is acting out and have difficulty verbalizing it.  Dr. Pollack uses the 'time-silence syndrome' to describe the boy's need to be silent before being ready to share, and the length of this time is, of course, unique to each boy.  The best a parent can do is being aware of this and being alert  of signs and actions when he is ready to talk.  Meanwhile, don't be discouraged when snuffed and continue to let your son know that he can approach you. 

Step Four:
Connection through action.  Instead of sitting him down and having a talk, you should engage him in an activity.  The sit-down-and-talk might be too intimidating and uncomfortable for a boy, but if you are out shooting hoops it might make it a little easier.  Some boys are more comfortable and focused when actually doing things, so they learn and process better when they are engaged in an activity.  You can pull out a board game, have him help you prepare dinner, go for a walk, build a model, do a puzzle, etc.  You can even establish a certain activity, like shooting hoops, as a safe place for sharing.

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