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Listening To Your Son's Emotional Needs |
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Written by Ko Chun Yang
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Monday, 29 March 2010 23:50 |
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Parents should not underestimate the importance in helping their sons understand and express their feelings, especially their negative emotions. The Boy Code can be very debilitating for young boys trying to find a way to express their feelings of vulnerability while still conforming to the strict gender expectations. As part of the Boys Code, the Code of Silence pressures boys to hide almost all negative emotions except for anger because other emotions (like feelings of loneliness, embarrassment, fear, sadness, powerlessness, uncertainty, grief, and need) makes them seem weak and vulnerable. If a boy is not adjusting, his reluctance to seek outside support, combined with parents being oblivious to their distress signals, can result to issues that never become resolved. Over time, these unresolved feelings of anxiety can develop into greater problems like violent behavior, depression, poor performance in school, poor social skills, and even drug abuse and suicides. Learning to communicate feelings and seek outside support is an essential skill for anyone to lead happy, confidant, and healthy lives - so why not understand how our boys can best express themselves and beat the Boy Code?
Dr. William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, points out these four steps as a guidance.
Step One:
We should learn and understand his feelings and experience, as well as help him do the same. Learn to spot distress signals and become sensitive to early signs of 'masking behavior' - when boys disguise their true emotions with a stoic "everything is fine" or lash out with anger. If you have a talkative boy and he suddenly becomes quiet, or if your normally easy-going son starts to become involved in fights at school, then something might be bothering him. Other things to look out for is poor performance at school, rowdy behavior, depression, bullying, and being a victim of bullying.
Help him know his inner self, and help him feel comfortable with his genuine self so he will be more inclined to accept his emotions, and will be less likely to mask them.
Step Two:
Learn the right language when talking with boys so they don't feel afraid or ashamed to share their feelings. Instead of "Oh my god, WHY did you do that?" or "I am so disappointed in you" which can be intimidating and will elicit a defensive response, use more emotional approaches like "I've noticed something difference about you lately, and it seems like something is bothering you. Can you tell me what it might be?"
Step Three:
Learn and accept a boy's own emotional schedule. Even after you have approached him with "Can you tell me what might be bothering you?", don't be discouraged if he rolls his eyes at you and brush you off. Boys tend to take longer to process and share their feelings than girls, so he might be equally confused why he is acting out and have difficulty verbalizing it. Dr. Pollack uses the 'time-silence syndrome' to describe the boy's need to be silent before being ready to share, and the length of this time is, of course, unique to each boy. The best a parent can do is being aware of this and being alert of signs and actions when he is ready to talk. Meanwhile, don't be discouraged when snuffed and continue to let your son know that he can approach you.
Step Four:
Connection through action. Instead of sitting him down and having a talk, you should engage him in an activity. The sit-down-and-talk might be too intimidating and uncomfortable for a boy, but if you are out shooting hoops it might make it a little easier. Some boys are more comfortable and focused when actually doing things, so they learn and process better when they are engaged in an activity. You can pull out a board game, have him help you prepare dinner, go for a walk, build a model, do a puzzle, etc. You can even establish a certain activity, like shooting hoops, as a safe place for sharing.
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Last Updated on Monday, 12 July 2010 03:20 |
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Growing Boys and Nutrition Needs |
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Written by By Rowan Paul, M.D
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Wednesday, 10 March 2010 03:06 |
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Nutrition is critically important in growing boys who may be more active than their female counterparts in the playground in general, though both genders are very active physically at this age. According to the American Medical Association, children between 6 and 10 years old require about 1,800 to 2,400 calories a day. Broken down by food group, this should include two cups of low-fat milk; two servings of meat or a meat alternative, such as tofu; six servings of whole-grain pastas, cereals and breads; and at least five servings of fruits and vegetables.
As boys age, so do their nutritional needs. Boys over 12 years old need 2,300-2,900 calories a day. The goal should be to get these calories from healthy sources. Aim for 11 servings of whole-grain breads, cereals or pastas, two cups of low fat or skim milk, five servings of fruits and vegetables and two to three servings of meat or a meat alternative such as tofu.
Boys have high protein requirements at this age to support growth, so lunch boxes should be pack with high-protein foods. Energy from whole grains, which provide a more sustained release of energy throughout the day, are preferable to refined grains or sugars because it takes longer for the body to break them down.
A great way to make healthy food appealing to the child is to make up a list of their favorite food in each food group. Every day or week, ask them to mix and match from the lists to get a varied diet that they like.
It comes as no surprise that pop or sodas have no nutritional value and should be avoided. Try fruit juices or non-fat milk. Flavored fruit and milk are still better than sodas because at least they have more protein, vitamins and calcium.
Encourage your child to snack on something healthy throughout the day, such as yogurt, nuts, or whole grain cereals.
Don’t worry too much if your child is supplementing their diet with occasional unhealthy snacks from school. Just encourage full disclosure and over time they will figure out that these snacks are bad for them!
More parents are introducing their children to vegan diets. While overall it is a nutritionally sound practice, D vegan families should help parents identify good sources of vitamin B-12, riboflavin, zinc, calcium and, if sun exposure is not adequate, vitamin D, as well as omega 3 fatty acids – which all may be low in natural vegan diets. Look for fortified vegan foods.
Attention Deficit Disorder children should eat foods rich in omega 3’s, flaxseed, vitamin B6 (and other B vitamins), l-tyrosine, calcium, magnesium, GABA (gamma-amino butyric acid, an important inhibitory neurotransmitter), and proanthocyanidins.
Autistic children also may have special nutritional requirements. N,n-dimethylglycine (DMG), an amino acid derivative, is naturally found in the human body and a report in Korea found that this derivative may improve verbal communications. Also folate, vitamin B-6, magnesium have also shown to improve ADHD symptoms in autistic children.
There is not much good research to suggest a special diet for Down’s children, but in general, a healthy diet as outlined above is likely to be the most healthy.
Remember that no one nutritional approach is fit for the individual. Parents with growing boys or boys with special needs should see a physician or nutritionist to discuss in detail the best nutritional choices for their child.
Dr. Paul, the author of ShapeUp, is a staff physician with www.RightHealth.com. Dr Paul is a board certified Family Physician, currently working as a sports medicine physician in San Francisco at California Pacific Orthopedic and Sports Medicine. His academic interests include non-operative management of musculoskeletal injuries including the spine, shoulder, knee and ankle. He is also interested in exercise prescription for preventative and therapeutic health, injury prevention, concussion, exercise nutrition, as well as treating athletes of all ages with other diverse sports medicine problems.
Ref:
http://kidshealth.org/parent/nutrition_fit/nutrition/pyramid.html
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11424545?itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum&ordinalpos=3
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/nutrition-for-kids/NU00606
www.nutrition.gov
http://www.healthresearch.com/special.htm
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Last Updated on Monday, 26 April 2010 12:56 |
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One Easy First Lesson Toward Raising Independent, Happy Children |
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Written by Barack Levin
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Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:12 |
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In my opinion, the key to raising independent kids is to teach them responsibility and accountability. Obviously, you can’t go up to a two-year-old and say, "Listen, Alex, today you will be responsible for cleaning your room and if it is not clean, I will hold you personally accountable for it!" So instead, I am taking small daily actions that teach him these values.
I came up with the following little nifty trick. It works for any toddler who is stable enough and comfortable enough walking on his own. In my case, it happened when my kids were about 14 months old and it always worked:
Step 1:
For a week, start to show your toddler that mommy and daddy carry their own bags. Let your little one check the bag contents and go over it with him. On a daily basis, ask your toddler to help you by putting or taking out a needed item into or from the bag. Stand by him while he gets the comb or pen for you and opens the bag and drops it in. Compliment him on a job well done! You’ll see that he is supercharged with excitement because he is "helping" you.
Step 2:
At the end of the week, start showing your little one that big kids from his daycare carry their own bags. Wouldn’t he like to have one, too? If you’ve done your job exciting him in the build-up about your bag, he’ll probably jump at the chance to be like the older kids! “Now let’s go to the store and let YOU choose your very own, because you are a big boy too!”
Step 3:
Take him to Wal-Mart or Target. They have small carry-ons with wheels for kids. Have your child go over ALL the available bags and choose his favorite. You want your child to be as involved as possible, leading the process. Don't choose for him. After choosing a bag that he wants, let your little one be in charge of actively paying for it and taking it out of the store. Let him show it off and tell everyone about it!
Step 4:
At home, ask him to bring his favorite items and place them on the kitchen table or countertop. Ask him to place them in his bag. Let him open the bag and place them inside. Once the items are inside, walk around with him and let him proudly wheel his carry-on around.
Step 5:
Leave the bag close to the door so that every time you leave the house, it will be there, reminding him to take it. This is wonderful training for taking the bag to and from daycare everyday--not to mention that you can hitchhike on this and put the rest of his items in it as well: such as diapers, towels, food, change of clothes and more.
Just think how this one simple habit will make life so much easier for your child and for you throughout all the school grades!
During a routine physical, Levin learned he had an irreversible and life-threatening kidney disease. He was 26 years old – the doctor doubted that he would see 30. But, despite this news, he refused to give up his dream and today, thirteen years later, lives in Atlanta, with his wife Michelle and their two children. He is the author of the book The Diaper Chronicles– A stay at home dad’s quest for raising great kids, based on his experience’s, available through his website at http://www.baracklevin.com.
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Last Updated on Monday, 26 April 2010 13:17 |
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Written by Jennifer Bogart
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Saturday, 17 October 2009 05:23 |
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In both schools and in homes I have heard adults remind children to "use their words". In some cases, children do have the abilities to use language effectively to get their messages across. But in many situations, children lack the language skills to truly use language to express themselves, tell how they are feeling, self advocate, and/or have their needs met. Modeling appropriate language "in the moment" and using those teachable moments to help kids formulate appropriate language is important.
One of the first things that you have to do to help children learn how to use language is to sit back andwatch. You can not help kids with what to say in different situations when you have no idea of what the situation is. In addition, while watching, it is important to be the neutral party. Everyone has a "voice". The child who hits because someone took his toy needs to be taught what to say the next time he wants a toy. The child who gets hit needs to be taught what to say when someone hurts him. The bystander may also benefit from being taught what to say when witnessing events occurring around him. When modeling language, it is important to think about the communicative intent of the child.
Next, you have to think about what words are age appropriate and socially appropriate for your child to say. In a situation where a child wants to join in and play with others, consider what an appropriate thing to say would be. If a child gets hit by another, what is an appropriate thing to say to the hitter instead of automatically tattling or crying. Giving kids the skills to self advocate at a young age is a gift that they will use forever.
When I talk about "modeling language", I am referring to you, as the adult, providing a "script" or sentence that the child has to repeat. Once you figure out what is going on and think of a response, then you say it out loud and have the child repeat it. I find that it works best when you point to yourself as you tell the sentence and then point to him so that he knows he has to repeat it. If the child can not repeat it because the sentence is too long, then you can break the sentence into parts. Also, using a sing songy voice is easier for children to remember as opposed to speaking in a boring,monotone voice. Here is an example: Let's say that a four year old child gets frustrated and angry that his toy does not work-so he throws it across the room. You saw him throw it and realize that he just couldn't figure out how to make the toy work. You say to him, "Joey, throwing toys is not allowed. Let's go and pick it up." After HE picks it up, you ask him if he knows how to work the toy. He gets mad or says no. Instead of saying "use your words next time and ask me to help you", you say , "Mommy can you help me with this toy?" and point to him. If he doesn't copy you, try again. Point to yourself and say, "mommy can you help me with this toy?" and point right to him. If he says, "Help", you want to encourage him to use the whole sentence. At this time you can break down the sentence and say(pointing to yourself first and the to him) "Mommy can you" (point to him so he will say it)(point back to yourself) "help me with this toy please?"(point to him so that he will say it). After he repeats you and uses the language, you show him how to use the toy.
You do have to consider your child's language abilities. If your child is using one word to communicate, then you want to extend that to two and three word phrases. If your child is using three words to communicate, then you want to model language that is around 5 words long. And so on. This even works for teenagers. When your teenage son comes home and demands food in a rude manner, you may want to kindly remind him of how to ask for a snack in a nice way. Remember, teaching your children to use appropriate language skills is an important step in their development, especially since society often provides poor examples of manners and socially pleasing language and behaviors.
Jennifer Bogart is a Speech/Language Therapist who works with children ages PreK through 5th Grade in a city school district.
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Last Updated on Wednesday, 26 May 2010 12:18 |
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in Article Discussion by missvictoriawebb, 07-07-10 20:56