Use Your Words

In both schools and in homes I have heard adults remind children to "use their words".  In some cases, children do have the abilities to use language effectively to get their messages across. But in many situations, children lack the language skills to truly use language to express themselves, tell how they are feeling, self advocate, and/or have their needs met.  Modeling appropriate language "in the moment" and using those teachable moments to help kids formulate appropriate language is important.

One of the first things that you have to do to help children learn how to use language is to sit back andwatch. You can not help kids with what to say in different situations when you have no idea of what the situation is.  In addition, while watching, it is important to be the neutral party. Everyone has a "voice".  The child who hits because someone took his toy needs to be taught what to say the next time he wants a toy. The child who gets hit needs to be taught what to say when someone hurts him. The bystander may also benefit from being taught what to say when witnessing events occurring around him.  When modeling language, it is important to think about the communicative intent of the child.

Next, you have to think about what words are age appropriate and socially appropriate for your child to say. In a situation where a child wants to join in and play with others, consider what an appropriate thing to say would be. If a child gets hit by another, what is an appropriate thing to say to the hitter instead of automatically tattling or crying. Giving kids the skills to self advocate at a young age is a gift that they will use forever.

When I talk about "modeling language", I am referring to you, as the adult, providing a "script" or sentence that the child has to repeat. Once you figure out what is going on and think of a response, then you say it out loud and have the child repeat it. I find that it works best when you point to yourself as you tell the sentence and then point to him so that he knows he has to repeat it.  If the child can not repeat it because the sentence is too long, then you can break the sentence into parts.  Also, using a sing songy voice is easier for children to remember as opposed to speaking in a boring,monotone voice.  Here is an example: Let's say that a four year old child gets frustrated and angry that his toy does not work-so he throws it across the room.  You saw him throw it and realize that he just couldn't figure out how to make the toy work.  You say to him, "Joey, throwing toys is not allowed. Let's go and pick it up."  After HE picks it up, you ask him if he knows how to work the toy. He gets mad or says no.  Instead of saying "use your words next time and ask me to help you", you say , "Mommy can you help me with this toy?" and point to him. If he doesn't copy you, try again. Point to yourself and say, "mommy can you help me with this toy?" and point right to him. If he says, "Help", you want to encourage him to use the whole sentence. At this time you can break down the sentence and say(pointing to yourself first and the to him) "Mommy can you" (point to him so he will say it)(point back to yourself) "help me with this toy please?"(point to him so that he will say it). After he repeats you and uses the language, you show him how to use the toy.

You do have to consider your child's language abilities. If your child is using one word to communicate, then you want to extend that to two and three word phrases. If your child is using three words to communicate, then you want to model language that is around 5 words long. And so on. This even works for teenagers. When your teenage son comes home and demands food in a rude manner, you may want to kindly remind him of how to ask for a snack in a nice way.  Remember, teaching your children to use appropriate language skills is an important step in their development, especially since society often provides poor examples of manners and socially pleasing language and behaviors.

Jennifer Bogart is a Speech/Language Therapist who works with children ages PreK through 5th Grade in a city school district.

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