Listening To Your Son's Emotional Needs

Parents should not underestimate the importance in helping their sons understand and express their feelings, especially their negative emotions.  The Boy Code can be very debilitating for young boys trying to find a way to express their feelings of vulnerability while still conforming to the strict gender expectations.  As part of the Boys Code, the Code of Silence pressures boys to hide almost all negative emotions except for anger because other emotions (like feelings of loneliness, embarrassment, fear, sadness, powerlessness, uncertainty, grief, and need) makes them seem weak and vulnerable.  If a boy is not adjusting, his reluctance to seek outside support, combined with parents being oblivious to their distress signals, can result to issues that never become resolved.  Over time, these unresolved feelings of anxiety can develop into greater problems like violent behavior, depression, poor performance in school, poor social skills, and even drug abuse and suicides.  Learning to communicate feelings and seek outside support is an essential skill for anyone to lead happy, confidant, and healthy lives - so why not understand how our boys can best express themselves and beat the Boy Code? 

Dr. William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, points out these four steps as a guidance.

Step One:
We should learn and understand his feelings and experience, as well as help him do the same.  Learn to spot distress signals and become sensitive to early signs of 'masking behavior' - when boys disguise their true emotions with a stoic "everything is fine" or lash out with anger.  If you have a talkative boy and he suddenly becomes quiet, or if your normally easy-going son starts to become involved in fights at school, then something might be bothering him.  Other things to look out for is poor performance at school, rowdy behavior, depression, bullying, and being a victim of bullying. 
Help him know his inner self, and help him feel comfortable with his genuine self so he will be more inclined to accept his emotions, and will be less likely to mask them. 

Step Two:
Learn the right language when talking with boys so they don't feel afraid or ashamed to share their feelings.  Instead of "Oh my god, WHY did you do that?" or "I am so disappointed in you" which can be intimidating and will elicit a defensive response, use more emotional approaches like "I've noticed something difference about you lately, and it seems like something is bothering you.  Can you tell me what it might be?"

Step Three:
Learn and accept a boy's own emotional schedule.  Even after you have approached him with "Can you tell me what might be bothering you?", don't be discouraged if he rolls his eyes at you and brush you off.  Boys tend to take longer to process and share their feelings than girls, so he might be equally confused why he is acting out and have difficulty verbalizing it.  Dr. Pollack uses the 'time-silence syndrome' to describe the boy's need to be silent before being ready to share, and the length of this time is, of course, unique to each boy.  The best a parent can do is being aware of this and being alert  of signs and actions when he is ready to talk.  Meanwhile, don't be discouraged when snuffed and continue to let your son know that he can approach you. 

Step Four:
Connection through action.  Instead of sitting him down and having a talk, you should engage him in an activity.  The sit-down-and-talk might be too intimidating and uncomfortable for a boy, but if you are out shooting hoops it might make it a little easier.  Some boys are more comfortable and focused when actually doing things, so they learn and process better when they are engaged in an activity.  You can pull out a board game, have him help you prepare dinner, go for a walk, build a model, do a puzzle, etc.  You can even establish a certain activity, like shooting hoops, as a safe place for sharing.

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