Sibling rivalry can often get out of hand with parents stuck in the middle on a wild guilt trip.  So here's a common scenario: the kids sit down at the table.  They scrutinize their plates and Child A starts complaining that Child B has more blueberries on his pancakes!  How is this so?! Accusations start to fly and it has to be that you favor Child B to have given him that extra blueberry!

You can replace "blueberries" with any thing else imaginable: a larger piece of dessert, more toys, more time and attention, and even, in one frustrated mom's blog...more bubbles in a drink.  Parents become artists in carving and pouring all sorts of things into equal amounts and fret over whether one kid gets more than another.  It might seem easier to just stick another blueberry into that pancake to make the number even and "fair", but when will it ever end?  At times when giving the exact equal amount to each child is not an option, what can a parent do prevent hurt feelings?

It's easy to get carried away with this rivalry of who-gets-what with parents scrambling about to keep everyone satisfied.  However, as a parent, it is hurtful to be accused of loving one child less or being unfair - especially if you have went through the trouble of preparing a nice dinner just to be confronted with accusations.  And for the children, this constant comparing and analyzing whether the parent is favoring another child is not healthy.  By going along with it, you are validating that, yes, that extra blueberry = extra love.  Keep your cool and point out to Child A that there are more blueberries if he wants some more and keep this from being just about...well...blueberries.

Instead of making everything about being "equal", you can try getting the kids to look at the situation in terms of "need".  For example: "Are you still hungry?  We can always make more, if you want more of ____".  When splitting your time between the kids, instead of thinking "I just spent 1 hour with Child A, so now I should spend some time with Child B, even if Child A's needs are not yet fully met", split your time according to need.  Spend the time to meet Child A's needs, whether it is to plan his birthday party or help him with homework, and if you don't have the same time left over for Child B, that's alright.  Explain to Child B that his brother and you have something important to do, and he will just have to be patient.  If the attention you pay to one child is so much more that it might be a concern, for example if one child has special needs, it's also a good idea to allot a certain time for your other kid(s).  Make this a special time with just the two of you where you can give him your undivided attention.  Even if it is only 15 minutes a day, he can count on it and will be reassured that you think of him just as much, and not feel so much anger and uncertainty that he needs to lash out.  Mom-Son dates are also great way to bond without the distraction of other siblings.

Anyone with a sibling can probably agree that this obsession over whether everything is equally given stems from the anxiety that your parent favors someone else over you.  Stop trying to convince your children you love them all "equally", but you love them all in different, unique ways because they are all different, unique people.  It's not about loving one more or less, because you cannot quantify or compare love when it comes to your children.  No matter how hard you measure, there will be times of inequity.  While it must be hard to see the disappointment and anger a child may feel at these times, by letting them know you accept and understand their feelings it will help them deal with life's inequities.  Your child will learn patience, empathy, and that not everything in life is perfectly "equal" and quantifiable...which is alright.

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A childhood friend of mine, growing up with all female siblings save one younger brother, once pointed out an interesting observation she made as a child.  Although her parents had doted on their little brother (their youngest child), she noticed that when one of her younger sisters cried from falling or hurting themselves, their parents would hold them in their arms and comfort them with a soothing "it's ok, baby", and when the same thing happens her youngest brother, they will also hold him but what they say tend to be more along the lines of "you're ok, brush it off like a big boy".  She noticed that their tone was a little firmer and that they would expect him to recover faster than his sisters.  This disparity is so obvious that even a ten year old girl, such as herself, noticed it.  Her observation had stuck with me for years, because it is true and we do see it around us everyday.  I, sometimes, find myself doing the same thing.  

As caretakers, we are well-aware of the pressure our girls face to conform to certain gender constraints, but we must also be aware that our boys are equally pressured by social expectations.  These gender straitjackets can be just as toxic for boys, as it is for girls.  Even though, one may argue that the gender expectations society has for boys are more positive - like being strong, independent, and self-sufficient - these expectations do become harmful and isolating.  Dr. William S. Pollack coined the term the "Boy Code", to describe the code perpetuated by social expectations of how a boys should behave, and also affects how we see them.  It includes these rules:

Testosterone levels reduce the potential for sensitivity, so boys are not as sensitive to emotions.
There are gender differences in processing emotions; the female brain processes emotion more completely, using more of the senses, and are able to verbalize emotive information much more quickly, while male brains take a little longer.  This difference is why boys usually have a harder time logically making sense of their feelings and communicating them.  In reaction to a crisis, brain scans also show that boys reactions tend to be more emotional than logic (with an increase in brain activity in the limbic system).  Very young boys tend to have stronger emotions than young girls, being more easily agitated and having a harder time self-soothing, but by around age 10-12, they express much less of these expressions of need.   

The code of silence - the concept that boys should hide their emotions, except anger.
The idea that boys and men should be strong, independent, and self-sufficient, leaves them with a narrow range of 'allowed' emotions.  Negative feelings of vulnerability, loneliness, fear, uncertainty, need, are all unaccepted signs of weakness, which leaves only anger to be appropriate.  Boys can also feel shame for having these feelings that are associated with being weak, further discouraging him from seeking outside support.

The idea that vulnerability means a boy is weak and will be teased.
As part of the 'macho' behavior, teasing is acceptable behavior and being teased is expected and should be endured. 

A boy is not expected to reach out for outside support.
The belief that a boy should be 'tough' and self-reliant discourages him from seeking support from his caretakers, which can lead to further isolation, poor emotional health, poor performance at school, poor relationships or social skills, and withdrawing himself (becoming quiet).  This often contributes to the depression, suicide, and drug use in young men. 

Boys should be strictly controlled and punished.

Even toddler boys are expected to be independent and tough, and as they grow older, show no fear of violence or physical harm.

As adults and caretakers, even we unknowingly follow this Boy Code by how we perceive and interact with our boys.  Being aware of these social expectations for boys, it's a little easier to watch out for the pitfalls of relying on "tough little guys".  With boys, it's important to start teaching empathy, respect, and help build self-esteem at a young age so they don't completely lose themselves under the pressure of the Boy Code.

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