A childhood friend of mine, growing up with all female siblings save one younger brother, once pointed out an interesting observation she made as a child.  Although her parents had doted on their little brother (their youngest child), she noticed that when one of her younger sisters cried from falling or hurting themselves, their parents would hold them in their arms and comfort them with a soothing "it's ok, baby", and when the same thing happens her youngest brother, they will also hold him but what they say tend to be more along the lines of "you're ok, brush it off like a big boy".  She noticed that their tone was a little firmer and that they would expect him to recover faster than his sisters.  This disparity is so obvious that even a ten year old girl, such as herself, noticed it.  Her observation had stuck with me for years, because it is true and we do see it around us everyday.  I, sometimes, find myself doing the same thing.  

As caretakers, we are well-aware of the pressure our girls face to conform to certain gender constraints, but we must also be aware that our boys are equally pressured by social expectations.  These gender straitjackets can be just as toxic for boys, as it is for girls.  Even though, one may argue that the gender expectations society has for boys are more positive - like being strong, independent, and self-sufficient - these expectations do become harmful and isolating.  Dr. William S. Pollack coined the term the "Boy Code", to describe the code perpetuated by social expectations of how a boys should behave, and also affects how we see them.  It includes these rules:

Testosterone levels reduce the potential for sensitivity, so boys are not as sensitive to emotions.
There are gender differences in processing emotions; the female brain processes emotion more completely, using more of the senses, and are able to verbalize emotive information much more quickly, while male brains take a little longer.  This difference is why boys usually have a harder time logically making sense of their feelings and communicating them.  In reaction to a crisis, brain scans also show that boys reactions tend to be more emotional than logic (with an increase in brain activity in the limbic system).  Very young boys tend to have stronger emotions than young girls, being more easily agitated and having a harder time self-soothing, but by around age 10-12, they express much less of these expressions of need.   

The code of silence - the concept that boys should hide their emotions, except anger.
The idea that boys and men should be strong, independent, and self-sufficient, leaves them with a narrow range of 'allowed' emotions.  Negative feelings of vulnerability, loneliness, fear, uncertainty, need, are all unaccepted signs of weakness, which leaves only anger to be appropriate.  Boys can also feel shame for having these feelings that are associated with being weak, further discouraging him from seeking outside support.

The idea that vulnerability means a boy is weak and will be teased.
As part of the 'macho' behavior, teasing is acceptable behavior and being teased is expected and should be endured. 

A boy is not expected to reach out for outside support.
The belief that a boy should be 'tough' and self-reliant discourages him from seeking support from his caretakers, which can lead to further isolation, poor emotional health, poor performance at school, poor relationships or social skills, and withdrawing himself (becoming quiet).  This often contributes to the depression, suicide, and drug use in young men. 

Boys should be strictly controlled and punished.

Even toddler boys are expected to be independent and tough, and as they grow older, show no fear of violence or physical harm.

As adults and caretakers, even we unknowingly follow this Boy Code by how we perceive and interact with our boys.  Being aware of these social expectations for boys, it's a little easier to watch out for the pitfalls of relying on "tough little guys".  With boys, it's important to start teaching empathy, respect, and help build self-esteem at a young age so they don't completely lose themselves under the pressure of the Boy Code.

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What I want to share with all of you is a true story that will demonstrate what happens when:

•    What happens when both parents hate each other, more then they love their kid’s?

In order to help my son heal from a nasty divorce and understand why his father couldn’t be closer to him, I gave my son and my three other children, the only thing I had left – the truth. I've document this experience with lawyers, doctors and the courts while examining the effects of my life choices had on all my children.

I hope so many fathers and families, will learn from my mistakes and realize the importance of God, Self, Family and Child to improve and maintain a quality of life to avoid a painful and shallow existence.

I think the only way to show you some of the Hell my kids endured is to share their words with you. As I began to write and document the truth each day from April 2009 through October 2009 more pain and anguish continued to be unveiled.

Excerpt from page 29 from my oldest child Marie..

Dear Dad,                                           
I thought I would write you this letter because I woke up this morning with the strangest thing on my mind. I have not thought about this in at least twelve years, and come to think about it, I do not think I have ever mentioned it to you before. In 1996, when I was fourteen, we went on that FABULOUS (sarcasm) vacation, where we toured Ohio in a motor home/RV thing. Pretty much the vacation from hell!
I had always wanted to follow Nono and you and work at MRM and then eventually run the place. Going to work with either Nono or you were by far some of my most favorite childhood memories.
Camille and I, were talking about me going to work for you, and I told her that I was going to run MRM one day! She said, “No, Nick is going to take over the business.” This was in 1996. Nick was five. I told her that working at MRM was pretty much all that I had ever wanted to do, that my grandfather’s firstborn had followed in his footsteps and was now running the company, so I (being the firstborn) wanted to do the same. Well! She then told me “Nick is Dad’s firstborn also, and he has just as much rights as you to run that company and will be given the opportunity to do so.” That crushed me. Jimmy and I always felt replaced by “Dad’s Do-Over family.” Now my fourteen-year-old ambitions are being threatened by my five-year-old brother? Nick was not even your firstborn son! Looking back, it is easy to see how the impact of that conversation affected my feelings of security in your family. It never felt like a blended family to me, more like a weekend family.
Love, Marie

Excerpt from page 139 from my oldest son Jimmy

Dear Dad,    
As far as 1991 goes, I cannot really pull many distinct memories. Other than first grade, nothing about the year stands out. Nick was born. Moreover, was my affliction toward him and your new family? I remember when you moved to Colorado. You have often told me that you felt as though you were abandoning us again, but if anything, I felt like you were saving me. You were taking the worst part of my life (Camille) and moving her 2,000 miles away. I could not have thought of a better idea myself. The setback was that now when I would see you it came with a long flight and a longer visit, completely on her turf.
We talked today about how you always made us as kids feel like you were trying to “save” us from the alcoholism we lived in at home. However, in reality the alcoholism was far less demanding than the circus our weekends were. Mom was our sanctuary. I never felt inadequate, unwanted, or burdensome.
Your son Jimmy

Excerpt from page 112 from my second son Nick..

Dad,                                                 7/19/2008

So I wish this letter was filled with warm and happy thoughts, but it won’t be. Dad, I’ve struck out; my emotional clock has reached 0. I’m in that magical little place you oh so vividly described once upon a time, you know, the one where you don’t want to live but you don’t want to die. I’ve been here before, and sad to say I’m back. I’m cutting …bad. The amount of cuts on my arm is my second- best/worst. Whichever way you wanna swing it. It’s at thirty-two. My number was fifty-seven, I think, but nobody knew about that. I’ve reached my peak and I don’t know what to do. I’m filled with pain, fear, loneliness, a sense of abandonment, and again more pain.
I’m a wreck and I actually think I’m dying. I don’t think I’ve ever been close. Not even at my lowest was I where I am today. My heart is bleeding and I don’t have the whatever is necessary to stop it. I might bleed to death.
Sincerely,

Your son

Excerpt form page 131 two emails’ between my fourth child the baby Sara

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Yo Girlie

Next time tell your mom you want to live with your dad, and thank her for letting that be an option for you, and you are ready, how soon can you go?? My guess is she will change her attitude. If not, come on home to your dad!
Love ya. Dad

P.S. She won’t hear any of this from me!!

Dad

Ya I think I’m gonna do that cuz I’m really sick of all of the crap she’s constantly throwing at me! I can only take so much! Ugh. Oh well, only 2 1/2 more years. Thanks for letting me vent. Love you, Sara

Today, this trauma still continues however there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Tony Rassini is the author of the book, Dad, It’s Time to Tell the Truth!, in which he reveals the truth of his past to help his son cope with the aftermath of his parents’ ugly divorce; it’s a memoir that is candid, thorough and at times shocking. Rassini currently lives in Hartland, Michigan. You may visit his website for more information at http://www.4familyandchild.com/.

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