The Boy Code

A childhood friend of mine, growing up with all female siblings save one younger brother, once pointed out an interesting observation she made as a child.  Although her parents had doted on their little brother (their youngest child), she noticed that when one of her younger sisters cried from falling or hurting themselves, their parents would hold them in their arms and comfort them with a soothing "it's ok, baby", and when the same thing happens her youngest brother, they will also hold him but what they say tend to be more along the lines of "you're ok, brush it off like a big boy".  She noticed that their tone was a little firmer and that they would expect him to recover faster than his sisters.  This disparity is so obvious that even a ten year old girl, such as herself, noticed it.  Her observation had stuck with me for years, because it is true and we do see it around us everyday.  I, sometimes, find myself doing the same thing.  

As caretakers, we are well-aware of the pressure our girls face to conform to certain gender constraints, but we must also be aware that our boys are equally pressured by social expectations.  These gender straitjackets can be just as toxic for boys, as it is for girls.  Even though, one may argue that the gender expectations society has for boys are more positive - like being strong, independent, and self-sufficient - these expectations do become harmful and isolating.  Dr. William S. Pollack coined the term the "Boy Code", to describe the code perpetuated by social expectations of how a boys should behave, and also affects how we see them.  It includes these rules:

Testosterone levels reduce the potential for sensitivity, so boys are not as sensitive to emotions.
There are gender differences in processing emotions; the female brain processes emotion more completely, using more of the senses, and are able to verbalize emotive information much more quickly, while male brains take a little longer.  This difference is why boys usually have a harder time logically making sense of their feelings and communicating them.  In reaction to a crisis, brain scans also show that boys reactions tend to be more emotional than logic (with an increase in brain activity in the limbic system).  Very young boys tend to have stronger emotions than young girls, being more easily agitated and having a harder time self-soothing, but by around age 10-12, they express much less of these expressions of need.   

The code of silence - the concept that boys should hide their emotions, except anger.
The idea that boys and men should be strong, independent, and self-sufficient, leaves them with a narrow range of 'allowed' emotions.  Negative feelings of vulnerability, loneliness, fear, uncertainty, need, are all unaccepted signs of weakness, which leaves only anger to be appropriate.  Boys can also feel shame for having these feelings that are associated with being weak, further discouraging him from seeking outside support.

The idea that vulnerability means a boy is weak and will be teased.
As part of the 'macho' behavior, teasing is acceptable behavior and being teased is expected and should be endured. 

A boy is not expected to reach out for outside support.
The belief that a boy should be 'tough' and self-reliant discourages him from seeking support from his caretakers, which can lead to further isolation, poor emotional health, poor performance at school, poor relationships or social skills, and withdrawing himself (becoming quiet).  This often contributes to the depression, suicide, and drug use in young men. 

Boys should be strictly controlled and punished.

Even toddler boys are expected to be independent and tough, and as they grow older, show no fear of violence or physical harm.

As adults and caretakers, even we unknowingly follow this Boy Code by how we perceive and interact with our boys.  Being aware of these social expectations for boys, it's a little easier to watch out for the pitfalls of relying on "tough little guys".  With boys, it's important to start teaching empathy, respect, and help build self-esteem at a young age so they don't completely lose themselves under the pressure of the Boy Code.

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