Keeping Things Equal & Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry can often get out of hand with parents stuck in the middle on a wild guilt trip.  So here's a common scenario: the kids sit down at the table.  They scrutinize their plates and Child A starts complaining that Child B has more blueberries on his pancakes!  How is this so?! Accusations start to fly and it has to be that you favor Child B to have given him that extra blueberry!

You can replace "blueberries" with any thing else imaginable: a larger piece of dessert, more toys, more time and attention, and even, in one frustrated mom's blog...more bubbles in a drink.  Parents become artists in carving and pouring all sorts of things into equal amounts and fret over whether one kid gets more than another.  It might seem easier to just stick another blueberry into that pancake to make the number even and "fair", but when will it ever end?  At times when giving the exact equal amount to each child is not an option, what can a parent do prevent hurt feelings?

It's easy to get carried away with this rivalry of who-gets-what with parents scrambling about to keep everyone satisfied.  However, as a parent, it is hurtful to be accused of loving one child less or being unfair - especially if you have went through the trouble of preparing a nice dinner just to be confronted with accusations.  And for the children, this constant comparing and analyzing whether the parent is favoring another child is not healthy.  By going along with it, you are validating that, yes, that extra blueberry = extra love.  Keep your cool and point out to Child A that there are more blueberries if he wants some more and keep this from being just about...well...blueberries.

Instead of making everything about being "equal", you can try getting the kids to look at the situation in terms of "need".  For example: "Are you still hungry?  We can always make more, if you want more of ____".  When splitting your time between the kids, instead of thinking "I just spent 1 hour with Child A, so now I should spend some time with Child B, even if Child A's needs are not yet fully met", split your time according to need.  Spend the time to meet Child A's needs, whether it is to plan his birthday party or help him with homework, and if you don't have the same time left over for Child B, that's alright.  Explain to Child B that his brother and you have something important to do, and he will just have to be patient.  If the attention you pay to one child is so much more that it might be a concern, for example if one child has special needs, it's also a good idea to allot a certain time for your other kid(s).  Make this a special time with just the two of you where you can give him your undivided attention.  Even if it is only 15 minutes a day, he can count on it and will be reassured that you think of him just as much, and not feel so much anger and uncertainty that he needs to lash out.  Mom-Son dates are also great way to bond without the distraction of other siblings.

Anyone with a sibling can probably agree that this obsession over whether everything is equally given stems from the anxiety that your parent favors someone else over you.  Stop trying to convince your children you love them all "equally", but you love them all in different, unique ways because they are all different, unique people.  It's not about loving one more or less, because you cannot quantify or compare love when it comes to your children.  No matter how hard you measure, there will be times of inequity.  While it must be hard to see the disappointment and anger a child may feel at these times, by letting them know you accept and understand their feelings it will help them deal with life's inequities.  Your child will learn patience, empathy, and that not everything in life is perfectly "equal" and quantifiable...which is alright.

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