Episode 5: Discussing Death with Your Son

I enjoyed the candid discussion on this sensitive subject ~ and appreciated all points of view. Having recently gone through this myself I would just like to share that I do feel that (a) you must know your child and let that determine how much exposure to the ceremonies and customs that are all part of the death and dying process would be appropriate for him.

That said, my own mother had been sick for the last few years and she lives 3000 miles away. She became ill shortly after my son turned 1 and would not have surgery until I brought him to NY and had his Christening there so she and my Dad could be part of it.

Over the next several years we got back east at least once a quarter, if not more, so that my son could have a relationship with his grandparents, especially while my Mom could still do some things with us outside the house.

In the last year I was back east every other month to help my father with the burden of taking care of my mother ~ as were my other 4 siblings. However, I was extremely blessed to be able to take my son and spend the last 5 weeks of my mother's life with her, in her home, helping her die with dignity and without pain, which was my verbal promise to her.

She kept us laughing until the end and she had all her children and grandchildren around her and it was a beautiful time. My son attended the funeral as I felt that was very important for closure. (I had him skip the viewing...@ 4 years old he would have been more of a distraction to the guests)

The day after the funeral we went to my parent's house and the first thing my son did was run up the stairs to the bedroom that had been my mother's sick room to see if she was there. All that was left was the hospital bed (without the sheets), the oxygen tank and a few other reminders. He took a long look around and then announced to my Dad, "Pop Pop, Nana is in HEAVEN!" I could see my father's eyes well up as he responded, "yes buddy, she sure is..."

What you posted brought tears to my eyes. I think it's a beautiful and touching story. I agree that it may not be appropriate for every young child to attend a funeral, the decision should be made on a child to child basis. Every child is different in their understanding and ability to cope with loss. It sounds like your son handled it well and had a close connection with your mom. Those wonderful memories will always overshadow the pain she may have suffered.

We attended my Uncle Bruce's wake today. This prompted many discussions with my five year old son and three year old daughter, before, during and after the visitation.

My wife and I decided long ago to openly discuss such unfortunate parts of life with our kids so death wouldn't become something scary but a natural part of the human life cycle. Before we left to pay our respects, we talked about what had happened, where we were going and what it all meant.

I'm frequently blown away by how understanding kids are if you talk to them frankly and respectfully. My five year old in particular seems to have an extremely healthy grasp on the subject, fully understanding that a loved one had passed away leaving behind a very sad wife and children. This made him sad, and he wanted to say goodbye before tomorrow's burial. My three year old actually asked to approach the body and seemed totally respectful of the situation. Both were pleased our flowers were by the casket and roses were included in the bouquet.

Tonight, as we ate spaghetti and sausage, we talked about Uncle Bruce, about his spirit and body. It was a great discussion and I was so pleased with their perspective. I've only been in this parenting game for six years, but it's become clear to me that our young are primarily limited by us. They're most capable and understanding if entrusted to be so. Today, James and Michelle made me very proud.

I completely agree with you and think it sounds like you're doing a great job. Kudos to you on your openness and honesty with your children.

Normally I'm not fond of bringing kids to such an event - but you seem to have done it properly and clearly your sons gets it. Kudos.

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My husband died of a sudden heart attack just over two years ago. My boys were 8 and 6 at the time. We talked about heaven - Daddy was going to be back with his mother whom he loved deeply, he could meet my brother, see our cat, Zukie, etc. It helped them think that Daddy was in a good place although, as my 8-year old said, 'it sure sucks for us." Gotta love kids.

We had a memorial service a month after he passed (so that out of state relatives could come). My older son attended (thank goodness his same-age best friend came too) but my 6-year old went into total meltdown, so he stayed with a beloved family friend who took care of him.

I let them see my grief, I cried when I needed to (but kept the worst of it after they went to bed). I also kept to routines. We went camping two weeks later. We went to the fair where their art was displayed. We did Christmas with the family even though celebrating was the LAST thing on my mind.

I assured them that they were safe. They knew that they'd have a roof over their heads and food on the table.

I respected how they wanted to grieve. Anyone who judges someone's method of grieving should think again. You grieve in your own way and on your own timetable. (I lost my father when I was 15, so I had a decent perspective on this.)

We talk about Daddy, oh he would have loved this. I tell them funny stories about him. I know that my older son will remember some and my younger son will remember very little. But at least through my words they will remember that they had a dad who was funny, smart, talented and who adored them and their mom deeply.